change , fleshless

Change:

i cry and nothing changes, i dont cry and nothing changes, i cut and nothing changes, i dont and nothing changes, starve eat loud silent communicate or let it be, and youll never believe it, but nothing changes. my whole life ive wanted everything to change, i dream about everything changing, id pray for it if i had someone to pray to. i wish everything could change just how i want it to be. to live in my own tiny perfect world. i feel this way even when i know i have changed things, even when im a new person, different from that old me, cooler, taller, wiser. i feel the same. not aged, not grown, not developed, the same. i yearn for change, and i fear how great of a change it will take to finally allow me to be satisfied in this life. i fear confronting that change, having the guts to do it. i know what my final change will be. im not sure when or where or what the reason will be, but the final change i can make in this life will be to free myself from it, from the burden of change. because when its over, theres nothing left to change. you are free from it all, forever.

Fleshless:

my head always aches and my heart is always heavy and my stomach always turns, but i laugh and i smile and i give advice because if i dont i will just be a carcass that no one will bother to remember. who am i without this skin? will it really be me in that casket? i think the real me is fleshless, who loves himself no matter what people say and that never changes, who is himself in everyway and that never changes, who wakes up happily every day and that never changes. I wish i was that fleshless version of me , not held down but the burden of my own skin. the mountains of flesh it takes a real man to carry. i wish i was fleshless. but i can never be fleshless, i can never be free, trapped in this body, in this skin, in this flesh, until the day i open that door, and leave my flesh behind. 

notes: i wrote this fresh off the dome bc ive been feeling really down lately, man i sure hope that changes (slaps knee), i hope it makes some sort of sense. also what i mean by fleshless is pure freedom and sense of self along with loving myself without the thing that blankets the true me. idk if anyone will ever read this, but just incase you planned on asking, yea im okay! how are you?