journal entry about love

this is kind of messy, i posted a snippet/edited version on my substack tho

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7/6/26

inherently i tried to explain it last night and i wasnt wording it right and i cant stop thinking abt it bc i hate being misunderstood

basically i love alot i love purely and i love regardless of the circumstances, bad days good days meh days im gonna keep loving u bc thats what lovers do, i do gifts i do letters i do poems i do dates and its always just i.

its an endless cycle, i meet someone, im nice to them and let them open up to me and care for them, they fall for the idea of me js based off the affection i provided and ask me out, then when its time to actually be with me they leave bc "they arent ready for a rls" and its so exhausting bc i pour so much into people js for them to leave, its like like pouring my love into a bottomless pit, and i never get it back. a common theme is saying its mental health, and i understand rls take energy but shouldnt love be the fuel? and if its not, if its draining u to care, then was it really love? in my opinion if it was love you would do anything to stay, that doesnt mean wring yourself out and put in 100 every single day when its hard, all i mean is just to stay, and to communicate how u feel on the days where u might not be able to give 100, and i could give u space, so many alternatives than just leaving. if leaving me genuinely improves ur life by profound levels then by all means do it tho idfk

love is consistent, not exhausting.

if someone were to show me commitment, patience, understanding, assurance, stability, and effort id be happy to date again but its like a foreign concept in my life, even tho its possible for so many others.

all i want is someone to be sure about me, to love me, as sure as i am, and love as much as i do.

you can love on days where u dont feel like talking alot, like giving gifts, like going out, like writing, like doing so much. but that doesnt mean never doing anything, just doing things when you can, purely. 

you can sit in silence, saying nothing at all, doing nothing at all, and love. even apart, even with a few stray texts throughout the day, even when ur busy and cant really talk to eachother, when the most u talked all day was a good morning text, u can still love, but it requires effort in between these moments to have this stability, and that effort is as simple as a small little text saying you love and appreciate them, tiny gifts, chill hangouts, its not so much, and when you love, its nothing at all.

(note: i know no one really sees these, but i need to post more)

change , fleshless

Change:

i cry and nothing changes, i dont cry and nothing changes, i cut and nothing changes, i dont and nothing changes, starve eat loud silent communicate or let it be, and youll never believe it, but nothing changes. my whole life ive wanted everything to change, i dream about everything changing, id pray for it if i had someone to pray to. i wish everything could change just how i want it to be. to live in my own tiny perfect world. i feel this way even when i know i have changed things, even when im a new person, different from that old me, cooler, taller, wiser. i feel the same. not aged, not grown, not developed, the same. i yearn for change, and i fear how great of a change it will take to finally allow me to be satisfied in this life. i fear confronting that change, having the guts to do it. i know what my final change will be. im not sure when or where or what the reason will be, but the final change i can make in this life will be to free myself from it, from the burden of change. because when its over, theres nothing left to change. you are free from it all, forever.

Fleshless:

my head always aches and my heart is always heavy and my stomach always turns, but i laugh and i smile and i give advice because if i dont i will just be a carcass that no one will bother to remember. who am i without this skin? will it really be me in that casket? i think the real me is fleshless, who loves himself no matter what people say and that never changes, who is himself in everyway and that never changes, who wakes up happily every day and that never changes. I wish i was that fleshless version of me , not held down but the burden of my own skin. the mountains of flesh it takes a real man to carry. i wish i was fleshless. but i can never be fleshless, i can never be free, trapped in this body, in this skin, in this flesh, until the day i open that door, and leave my flesh behind. 

notes: i wrote this fresh off the dome bc ive been feeling really down lately, man i sure hope that changes (slaps knee), i hope it makes some sort of sense. also what i mean by fleshless is pure freedom and sense of self along with loving myself without the thing that blankets the true me. idk if anyone will ever read this, but just incase you planned on asking, yea im okay! how are you?

very first post

 im not really sure what to say yet. i used to be a man of many words, i find silence about deep things easier lately. i just flow.