journal entry about love

this is kind of messy, i posted a snippet/edited version on my substack tho

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7/6/26

inherently i tried to explain it last night and i wasnt wording it right and i cant stop thinking abt it bc i hate being misunderstood

basically i love alot i love purely and i love regardless of the circumstances, bad days good days meh days im gonna keep loving u bc thats what lovers do, i do gifts i do letters i do poems i do dates and its always just i.

its an endless cycle, i meet someone, im nice to them and let them open up to me and care for them, they fall for the idea of me js based off the affection i provided and ask me out, then when its time to actually be with me they leave bc "they arent ready for a rls" and its so exhausting bc i pour so much into people js for them to leave, its like like pouring my love into a bottomless pit, and i never get it back. a common theme is saying its mental health, and i understand rls take energy but shouldnt love be the fuel? and if its not, if its draining u to care, then was it really love? in my opinion if it was love you would do anything to stay, that doesnt mean wring yourself out and put in 100 every single day when its hard, all i mean is just to stay, and to communicate how u feel on the days where u might not be able to give 100, and i could give u space, so many alternatives than just leaving. if leaving me genuinely improves ur life by profound levels then by all means do it tho idfk

love is consistent, not exhausting.

if someone were to show me commitment, patience, understanding, assurance, stability, and effort id be happy to date again but its like a foreign concept in my life, even tho its possible for so many others.

all i want is someone to be sure about me, to love me, as sure as i am, and love as much as i do.

you can love on days where u dont feel like talking alot, like giving gifts, like going out, like writing, like doing so much. but that doesnt mean never doing anything, just doing things when you can, purely. 

you can sit in silence, saying nothing at all, doing nothing at all, and love. even apart, even with a few stray texts throughout the day, even when ur busy and cant really talk to eachother, when the most u talked all day was a good morning text, u can still love, but it requires effort in between these moments to have this stability, and that effort is as simple as a small little text saying you love and appreciate them, tiny gifts, chill hangouts, its not so much, and when you love, its nothing at all.

(note: i know no one really sees these, but i need to post more)